Family.

My mother, father and I moved to Las Vegas from Canada when I was about 8 I think. I always wondered why we would move so far away from the entire family. 5 years later I finally understand.

I know you're supposed to love your family unconditionally but holy fuck I feel like I'm related to the most mental people I've ever encountered, and I've encountered enough. I'm not going to name names, but my dad is the only one who is consistently helping/being nagged by Grandma on a consistent basis. No one else does the shopping for her, no one else takes her to the casino.

Grandma on her own is having issues as she told me to clean the room I stayed in when I first got here. I moved out in Feb 2014 and spent an entire day cleaning the room. She approaches me yesterday and gave me shit for not cleaning the room and removing my clothes. That stuff has been long gone and the only thing up there is dads old twin bed because he couldn't get it down the stairs alone with his Parkinson's. There was an empty can and an water empty bottle and some cat food on the floor when they put their older cat in there when the nurses used to come. Again, not my responsibility.
I have no problem doing it because she can't get up there to do it herself, but don't accuse me of doing something I already did and if you cant make it up there and didn't know dads bed was up there, then how do you know it's messy?
It's like every single woman on this side of the family is a constant complainer, and I include myself in that because of this blog right here.
Then there's my cousin who rarely comes to dinner because she doesn't smoke and instantly when she walks in she starts coughing. I don't smoke but you don't see me coughing and asking people to put their smokes out *for me specifically*Then when it comes to eat dinner, she cant eat meatloaf cuz its meat, she couldn't eat the potatoes because they were spicy, even tho grandma showed her the recipe that had no spice in it at all.
Honestly though, there's this thing called manners which I showed earlier by agreeing to clean the room for grandma because she's my elder. I don't complain about the food that grandma slaved all day to make just cuz I have an eating disorder*oh excuse me, gluten allergy* and she refused dessert because it had milk in it. WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER COMING??

I like to think of myself as someone who is either shy or in a good mood. I try my best to make people laugh, because I believe laughing is healthier for you than complaining(thanks Brian King)
I'm hoping with these classes I'm taking I can deal better with the things that anger me and possibly be able to address them to family members without causing a family war.

The Night Lzzy Touched My Ears

For people with social anxieties, public places such as concerts or shows, pose a huge problem.

I struggle with being in public almost every day, but sometimes there is something you want more than anything else in the world and you will do whatever it takes to get it. I had recently gone through some personal tragedies but there was a small light of happiness to come my way. I used money from my first paycheck to buy 2 tickets to Halestorm.

I bought the tickets in June and waited as patiently as I could till the show on November 16, 2015 at the Burton Cummings Theatre. I had asked a few people if they wanted to go but due to personal issues and social anxiety, I ended up going by myself. I took the bus from home and arrived downtown shortly after 6. I took a quick walk to the library to collect myself in the bathroom before heading towards the theatre around 6:30.

It was a good thing I arrived as early as I did since there was already a line forming outside. I noticed the tour buses parked in front and the side door to the theatre had sound crew coming in and out occasionally. I thought to myself briefly, I wonder if I can catch a glimpse of them somehow since the line was right in front of the door.

Security was asking people in line if anyone had second balcony seats to get people into their seats faster since you had to take what I heard was a few flights of stairs to get to the balcony. There was a sign on the door to the theatre that read “No crowd surfing or moshing” 
Once I got into the theatre I found my way to the main floor which, except for the first two rows, was Rush seating. There were actual seats on the floor which made me wonder how anyone could mosh or crowd surf. I picked a seat right in the middle, about 6 rows back.

I felt a little out of place and wondered if anyone else had come by themselves. I people watched the crowd for almost an hour while waiting for the show to start. They played decent tunes on the speakers while we waited. There was one woman there who looked like she stepped right out of the 80’s with pink hair and fishnet gloves. Another woman I watched looked like she was trying to talk one of the female security guards into letting her in the first two rows. She got shut down after trying for a few minutes and I watched the security guard exchange glances with another guard like “wow, people will try anything”

Shortly before 8, you could see the band gathering at the corner of the stage and I literally let out a squeak of delight. There was a backdrop with the bands logo and the lights illuminated it perfectly.

Then they came out and started playing. The sound was excellent. I tried to take video, but I didn’t want to have a phone in front of my face for the whole show. Lzzy sounded great and her banter with the crowd was excellent. She asked if any of us in the audience had to work the next day and if any of us would be calling in sick as it was a Monday night show. They played new songs and old, all of which I knew and sang along with. During the song “Scream” she invited the crowd to scream and sing along with her during certain parts. She complimented the crowd on their enthusiasm for a Monday night. Towards the end of their set, she introduced her little brother Arejay on drums. He did an epic solo and brought out his “Big Sticks” two ginormous drum sticks that he actually played with! He jumped up and down and over his drum kit, he really knows how to bang those beats.

The last song they did was truly phenomenal and while I have always been a huge fan of Lzzy, it wasn’t until seeing them perform live that I respected the talent that the rest of the band has. That Joe Hottinger has hot in his name for a reason folks! The way he played in the last song was, to say the least, exquisite.

After their set was over, I quickly ran to the bathroom where there was, of course, a line. While standing in the line these girls proceeded to talk about how some woman in the audience threw up on the person in front of her and did nothing about it. They were so disgusted and busy talking about it that they didn’t move when one of the stalls became free. Sorry ladies, if you have time to talk, you don’t have to pee nearly as badly as I do. As I was leaving however, I heard the 3 girls say they were waiting on the handicap stall to all go in together. How, um, discreet? There is only one reason 3 girls need to be in one stall and I think we know what it is.

I ventured towards the doors where there was a line to get out! I was a ticket taker at a show recently and we didn’t have to do that, so it just never occurred to me. I’m pretty sure I cut a bunch of people in line as that’s where my anxiety gets to be the worst. Huge crowds scare the boots off me.

I made it outside and decided to hang out for a bit since it was only 9 and I didn’t have anywhere else to be. 

Everyone seemed to be outside smoking cigarettes or vaping, a few others were smoking weed. There were a few homeless around asking people for change, not much of a surprise for downtown Winnipeg.

As I waited, I slowly saw more of the road crew come out and then start bringing equipment out to the buses. A lovely blond asked all of us waiting outside if we could all move to the side to let them bring the equipment by.  Someone in the crowd asked the blond if Lzzy would be signing autographs, to which she replied yes and asked everyone that wanted one to get in a line to make it easier for her. We all scooted to make a line and then a few of us realized that we’d actually get to meet her. It was all nervous chatter and excitement after hearing that. 

I realized I didn’t have a pen or anyone with me to take a picture of us. One of the girls in the crowd assured me she would probably have her own pens and that she had my back if I needed a picture taken. It was very reassuring to someone like me who is nervous around normal people, let alone someone I consider a rock idol.

There were about 6 people ahead of me in line. I watched in awe as Lzzy graciously went through the line, signing t-shirts and CD’s. She actually recorded a video for a girl in front of me whose friend couldn’t make it to the show. When she finally got to me, she grabbed my studded kitten ears on my hat and said “well aren’t you a spiky kitty” or something along those lines. I can’t remember exactly because I was so in shock and awe that this woman who I adored from afar was actually in front of me and touched my hat. I believe the words I managed to muster were “Yeah” and “can I have your autograph” 
The blond assistant asked me if I wanted a picture taken and took my camera and snapped two of the best pictures of my life.

I had dreamt for months of this happening, never ever actually thinking it would. All the depressing bullshit I had been dealing with just faded away in that moment. After taking the pics with me, there were about 8 other people behind me, 2 of which were little girls, under the age of 10, with their parents. Lzzy took the time to bend down and talk to these little girls and I snapped a few pics of that as well.

Joe was right behind Lzzy and I managed to squeak out a few words to him, which I believe were “Great Show! Can I get your autograph” As, of course, after seeing him play I was just in awe that I got to shake his hand. Josh came out a few minutes after that and had a lovely conversation with one of the ladies whom I was waiting with. He was so nice and gracious and I got his autograph as well. The lady who I believe was named Marisa, asked if Arejay was coming out and we were informed he was taking a shower and would be out soon. All of us ladies took that information into consideration. Good old fashioned groupie talk I believe it’s called.

We all waited for Arejay and chatted together, speculating whether or not they were watching us watch the tour bus. We watched quite a few people get thrown out of the show and politely told to leave the property. I watched a group of males who seemed a little intoxicated, trying to coax their friend to the closest strip club for whatever reason. I joked that some lucky lady was going to get paid tonight. Then a little while after they left, one of them came back looking for their friends’ phone. I guess they were more than a little intoxicated. The headliner of the show, Three Days Grace was finishing up and there was still no sign of Arejay. I didn’t get to see any of their act because I was outside getting my groupie on, but I heard they were very good. I was skeptical because I heard they had a new lead singer, but he got good reviews from the people I talked to who stayed inside for their set.

When it was clear the show was over and most of the crowd was headed out, I bid farewell to my groupie friends, 4 of which were still there as I walked into the rainy Winnipeg night. I still had to call for my ride to pick me up about a block away from the theater. I don’t think I walked to meet my ride, I’m pretty sure I floated.

I called and told my dad about it and he said “No way, I don’t believe it!” I excitedly told him in words I was barely able to get out. As soon as I got home I uploaded the pictures and video. I don’t think I slept at all. The realization that I had actually done something I had been dreaming about for months finally set in around 4am and I started to cry tears of joy instead of the usual tears of sadness. Then I was inspired to write. Finally, after years of not having words to write, I had more than enough words. The words came faster than I could type. So here are my words.

I’m not a music critic, so I can’t really call this a review, only one fan’s account of a truly awesome experience at a Rock and Roll show. 

Thank you, Halestorm, for an epic night.

Reflections in the dark

Today I realized that I forgot a fairly important anniversary last week.

March 21st 2012 was when I first arrived back in Canada
after 25 years of living and growing up in Las Vegas.
Quite a lot of stuff has happened since then.
As many of you know, I have always had my bills paid/taken care of for me
by Jeff(back in the day) or my Mom.
After living for over a year here with
my dad and my grandparents I was able to get my own place through housing assistance.
I pay and am responsible for my
own bills for the first time in my life and I actually quite enjoy it.
I forgot what it was like to have a place of my own, and this time
it feels good because I know I'm not burdening or expecting someone else to do this for me.

I have also been clean of hard drugs since I left Las Vegas.
I had a few slip ups with various things but I learned because of them and found the strength to change.

I'd like to thank my family for helping me and especially
Grandma, Grandpa and Dad for putting up with my insanity while I was under your roof.

I hope my mother in Heaven is proud of these little steps I'm taking to ensure I have a good future.

I hope this wasn't too saccharine for you but it will probably be the only personal post.

Into the Dark...

Here it is ladies and germs, 
my first post on my first blog! 

I was inspired by my good friend Raina's blog
(http://ramblingraintree.blogspot.ca/) 
and I have decided to embark on a journey 
of my own into the world of blog.
I figure it is a good way to work on my writing skills and emotionally vent when necessary. 

I will entertain you with my wit and sarcasm.
I will be including many movie reviews as that 
seems to be something that has been occupying most of my time lately.

I may also do weekly posts along the lines of 
"What Really Grinds My Gears" because, hey everyone loves a good rant, right? 
Also because it will help fulfill requirements for my anger management class. Haha.


I hope you enjoy your journey into the dark with me and don't forget to bring a flashlight!